Alice in Wonderland Interviews [3 of 3]
Surreal Fantasy / 3100 words
PREFACE: And now for something completely different… This is not, technically, part of the Xen’in Universe. This is the third and last batch of fake interviews with characters from “Alice in Wonderland,” which were included in a new edition of Lewis Carrol’s classic, published in 2012.
8. Bill
Q: The lizard seated across from me is none other than Bill himself. For those who fail to replace him, he was in two short scenes in Alice’s adventures in Wonderland. We first meet him when Alice is stuck in the white rabbit’s house and, later, he is one of the jury at the Knight’s trial. To begin, could you tell us a bit about yourself, Bill?
A: (answers with a little voice, so softly no one hears anything)
Q: Hmm, could you just speak a little louder, please?
A: Alright. I... (incomprehensible) ... and then I... (incomprehensible) ... and that...
Q: Okay, hang on, we won’t get anywhere like this, hmm. Let’s see if we can get you a louder mic...
(tape is paused)
Q: Alright, we’re back. Could you please start over, Bill?
A: Yes, sorry. Can you hear me now?
Q: Absolutely.
A: Sorry. I was saying, I was born in the castle of the Queen of Hearts in the year...
Q: (coughs) That’s very, er, interesting, but could you rather give us the short version?
A: Oh. Sorry. I was born. Then I lived. Then I met. Then I was stuck. Then I saw. Then I was saved. Then I met, again. Then I came here. The end.
Q: Ah. I suppose I should have expected that. Hmm. Alright, let’s talk about the book.
A: Yes. I met. Then he asked. So I said yes. He...
Q: Wait wait wait, this won’t do. Could we go back to talking normal?
A: Oh, sure. Sorry. So, I was born in the castle of...
Q: Let’s skip that, if you don’t mind? We’ll just focus on the book.
A: Right. Sorry. Yes, the book. I met Carroll through Alice. Then he asked if I would agree to be in that story, which I thought might be an interesting experience. So I said yes. He was a very kind man. Sorry.
Q: You were in two scenes.
A: Yes.
Q: Let’s talk about that first one...
A: (shudders) Must we really?
Q: (blinks) I suppose not, if you don’t want to.
A: No, that’s okay, go ahead.
Q: Are you sure?
A: Yes. Sorry.
Q: Hmm. So, you went down the chimney, then back up again real quick... That must have been traumatic!
A: (blanching) You have no idea. I didn’t even know what was happening...
Q: Didn’t Carroll give you the script first?
A: No. He believed that we should improvise, to make it feel more real. What a horrid thing! Sorry.
Q: Don’t be, I understand. And what about the trial?
A: (shivers) That wasn’t much better. She... She just grabbed me and tossed me back in! It was terrifying!
Q: She did, didn’t she? I suppose you didn’t see that one coming either?
A: Sorry, no.
Q: I hope you got proper retribution?
A: (looks confused) Why would I want revenge? I’d agreed to the terms.
Q: No, no, I meant retribution as in pay, for your hard work.
A: (blinks) Pay? What pay?
Q: Oh, hmm, well...
A: (shifts in his seat) Don’t tell me the others got paid?
Q: Well, I don’t really know that, I was just...
A: (becoming restless) My parents warned me the deal seemed fishy. But did I listen? Of course not! I never listen!
Q: Uh, please, could we...
A: (bounces) It’s not fair! It’s not fair! It’s not fair! It’s not fair!
Q: Er...
A: It’s really not fair!
Q: EXCUSE ME?
A: (recoils) Sorry.
Q: (coughs) Never mind. So. What’s that deal with the squeaking pencil?
A: (in a bitter tone) I suppose he didn’t have the budget...
Q: Right. And Alice managed to take it away without you noticing?
A: I was too busy thinking about the money I wouldn’t get.
Q: Right. And then you wrote with your finger — but that didn’t work out, did it?
A: No. Lack of special effects. Budget cuts (mumbles).
Q: Right. And then you got the ink, that seems to have helped a bit at least...
A: I suppose. But it’s expensive getting ink off lizard skin. You’d think he’d at least have paid for that.
Q: Could you, I don’t know, stop it?
A: Sorry.
Q: Okay. What’s your best memory from the writing?
A: ...
Q: Hello?
A: You told me to stop...
Q: I meant with the money jokes.
A: You think it’s funny?
Q: Well, no, but...
A: Sorry.
Q: (sighs) So, I was asking, what’s your best memory?
A: I... (frowns) Well... (frowns more) I...
Q: Yes? (hopeful)
A: I am thinking and it appears that every memory I have of the experience is an absolutely horrible one.
Q: Oh... Sorry?
A: It was terribly traumatic. And what did I get out of it? Nothing. It’s not like anyone even remembers me. You’d think the chicks would dig me after being in a book, wouldn’t you? Well no, not even that! I mean that they look at me and their eyes go blank. That’s when they haven’t read the book, or don’t remember my scenes. When they do, well, they just laugh. That’s not better, is it? Of course not. And now, you come here, and you ask me what’s my best memory? Let’s see. My best memory is of the scene I was supposed to be in, but which Carroll never wrote.
Q: Oh! Pray tell!
A: It was a scene where I grew to enormous proportions during the trial, and where I ate the tarts and the Queen’s head and the Hatter’s hat and...
Q: Okay, okay, we get it.
A: Sorry.
Q: How about something more upbeat? What’s your favorite scene that you are not in?
A: ...
Q: Well?
A: I’m thinking.
Q: Okay.
A: ...
Q: ...
A: ...
Q: ...
A: Hmm...
Q: Yes?
A: Still thinking.
Q: Ah.
A: ...
Q: Seriously?
A: What?
Q: You can’t think of anything?
A: I’m not stupid.
Q: I never said that.
A: The book certainly painted me that way. And I didn’t even get anything out of it...
Q: Right. But...
A: The scene where Wonderland blows up.
Q: Excuse me?
A: That’s my favorite part.
Q: But that never happened!
A: Sure it did. Carroll just didn’t write about it.
Q: Okay. Well, I believe that’s a wrap...
A: Sorry.
Q: Don’t mention it.
A: I really wish someone had told me I was supposed to get paid...
Q: Didn’t you say your parents...
A: Don’t get me started on my parents...
Q: Sorry.
A: That’s my line.
Q: Oh, yeah, s... I mean, never mind.
9. The mouse
Q: We are truly thrilled to welcome here today the mouse. That’s right, the one and only, the very same which Alice met in the pool of her tears... Hey, that sounds pretty cool said like that, doesn’t it?
A: (smiles) Sure.
Q: Okay. Welcome, then, Mr. Mouse!
A: Thanks. That’s not my name, though. And it’s a shame all our characters, aside from Alice, are all nameless. You called me the mouse, but that’s still so vague. I mean, it could apply to so many other great talents out there...
Q: You make a good point. How would you like me to call you?
A: My full name is Skwiky Addamus Klean — just for the record. But you can go with Skwik.
Q: Er, alright. So, tell us Skwik, about your experience with Alice.
A: There is not all that much to say, really. It was just a book like any other. Or at least that’s how it felt at the time. Nobody really had any idea how big it would become. But I suppose it’s always like that, as you can never predict what’s going to work or not. To us, it just was a small budget project. In fact, the budget was so tight some of us even had to take on more than one part.
Q: Can you give some examples?
A: Sure. Me. It’s a little-known fact, but I was not just the mouse Alice meets, toward the beginning of the story. I also was the “dormouse” she encounters in that famous tea-party scene, with the Mad Hatter and the March Hare.
Q: That was you??
A: Indeed.
Q: The two characters are so different...
A: Thank you! I worked hard to make it so. Though, like I said, it was frustrating that Lewis would only name so few of his characters. It made it difficult for mine to make a lasting impression, I feel.
Q: Don’t sell yourself short! That tea-party scene, as you stated, is very popular, and the dormouse character is an integral part of it.
A: Oh, I don’t know. I just feel like the other character is more interesting, and yet so few remember it. All the dormouse does is, you know, sleep.
Q: He does throw in some pretty cool lines, though...
A: I suppose.
Q: Why do you think the other character is more interesting? Just because he has more lines?
A: Well, there’s that. Then there’s the bit with the tail. And he was just much more challenging to play, cause he has a real temper. The dormouse, again, just sleeps. It’s not very difficult to act something like that.
Q: You like a challenge?
A: Exactly. Otherwise, it’s just too frustrating. Though I have to admit I love the tea-party scene as a whole. It rocks. And I’m honored to have been a part of that, in retrospect.
Q: You mentioned the tail...
A: (smiles) Yes. I’m rather proud of that. It was my idea, you know. Lewis liked it, so he used it. He even shaped it after my tail.
Q: I thought that “dry speech” was really funny.
A: Me too!
Q: It must have been difficult to memorize.
A: I rehearsed it a lot.
Q: I was told that Carroll wanted everything to be improvised?
A: Not everything, though a lot of it was. But in this specific case, well, I was quoting a book, so I had to have it right.
Q: But it didn’t dry anyone.
A: Nope. Imagine that!
Q: And I love the way you jumped when Alice mentioned her cat...
A: (jumps) Ack! Don’t do that!
Q: What?
A: You really should give a mouse proper warning...
Q: Sorry. Didn’t mean to startle you. I didn’t think you’d be so sensitive about it...
A: Haven’t you read the book?
Q: Well, yes, but you seem so different from the character that I didn’t expect you’d react the same way...
A: Thanks... I think. The thing is, I did put a lot of myself into that character.
Q: How about dogs?
A: Nah, those are fine.
Q: I’ve heard say that you know Jerry?
A: Yes. We are cousins twice removed.
Q: Then I have a question for you — and I will be using the C word.
A: Alright, go ahead, and thanks for the warning.
Q: Jerry seems to handle cats pretty well. Tom is constantly trying to catch him, yet he never looks fazed about it.
A: Well, it’s like this. We all have different experiences. It’s like... well, say when you’re a kid you have a monster under your bed that keeps groping for you. Other kids wouldn’t understand this, unless they had a similar experience.
Q: But that’s the thing, Jerry is constantly confronted with Tom.
A: Here’s a secret: it’s make believe. They’re actually good friends (shudders at the thought). Don’t ask me how or why, I never asked and don’t really want to know. But that’s the truth of it. It’s easy to act all relaxed and casual when you’ve never known true fear.
Q: What about the invisible one, you know, with the Cheshire grin?
A: I’m more scared of that one than any other!
Q: Really? He seems nice enough, even went so far as to help Alice...
A: But she’s not a mouse, is she?
Q: I’ll admit that she isn’t.
A: Had she been a mouse, it would likely have been a different story... Though I’ll admit that I’ve never met him. I try to stay clear.
Q: Interesting insight. Well, thank you for your time, Skwik.
A: My pleasure.
10. The White Knight
Q: Ladies and gentlemen, let me present to you... the White Knight!
A: Please. Call me Peter.
Q: Peter White?
A: Peter Knight.
Q: Oh. Well, if you don’t mind, I really think I should describe you to our readers. Mr. White, I mean Mr. Knight... er, Peter, is wearing a very classy white suit, white pants, with a black tie and black shoes. Golden hair, mustache and beard. And, great touch by the way, dark Ray-Bans. The look is unexpected, and stunning.
A: Thank you.
Q: So what’s with all the falling?
A: It’s just an act.
Q: Weren’t you afraid to hurt yourself?
A: I’m a professional.
Q: Of course. Some have suggested that your character was meant to represent the author, Lewis Carroll...
A: Yes. And others claim that I represent the original book’s illustrator, John Tenniel. This is all very idiotic. I am me, quite simply. I would know, I think.
Q: Is this why you grew the beard, to distance yourself from these images?
A: I don’t think so. I hadn’t really thought about it. Maybe unconsciously. But I doubt it. I just look cool with the beard.
Q: Indeed you do!
A: Oh hey, you want to see my latest?
Q: Uhm, latest what?
A: Invention, of course!
Q: Oh. Okay.
A: Here... (pulls out a cell phone)
Q: Nice. You do realize those have been around for some time?
A: What? Oh! That’s not it, not it at all. Look (opens the case and removes the phone, then holds up the case).
Q: I’m not sure I’m following you...
A: The case! Look! It’s my design, my own invention!
Q: Ah. It looks... nice?
A: It’s not meant to “look nice,” it’s meant to be “unbreakable.”
Q: Oh.
A: Has your cell ever fallen out of your hands? Well, with this, no matter how many times it does, it will always be safe. I’ll demonstrate.
Q: You really don’t need to...
A: It’ll only take a second (places the phone back in its case). Now, see, all I need do is toss it against that wall... (throws the cell violently)... and tada! It’s like magic (stands and goes pick up the case, which he brings back)
Q: Well... (looks a bit skeptical)
A: Let me show you... (opens the case, revealing a cracked and splintered screen with pieces of plastic jutting out) Oh (pauses). Well...
Q: Awkward...
A: Aha! (brightens) Look at the case! Not a scratch! My invention does work, you see.
Q: Indeed (coughs). I was wondering if we could talk about your experience.
A: Yes, of course (sits again as he puts the broken phone away). I’m all ears. Actually, no, that would be gross. But I’m listening.
Q: How did you become involved in the project?
A: Which one?
Q: The Alice story, of course.
A: Oh, that! I thought you were referring to one of my inventions, which is why I was asking which — I’ve made so many, you know.
Q: Alice, please.
A: Sure. I was looking for a job and placed an ad in the Wonderland Gazette. Alice came to me and told me about this deal she had with this guy Carroll Lewis...
Q: Lewis Carroll.
A: No, no, Carroll Lewis. At least that’s how we call him in the looking-glass world.
Q: Oh.
A: So talks were had, inventions were shown and deals were made.
Q: Did you have to audition?
A: Of course. Didn’t we all?
Q: I... I’m not sure about that one.
A: Well, I did. And I guess they were happy with my performance, as I got the part.
Q: I take it it must not have been too hard for you to play this character?
A: Why would you think that?
Q: Oh, er, I don’t know... just a hunch.
A: Hmm. Well, I wouldn’t call it easy, but neither was it hard. It was just normal.
Q: Normal?
A: Yes. As in, neither hard nor easy.
Q: Right. And when...
A: But wait! I haven’t told you the best part yet!
Q: Oh, okay. What’s the best part?
A: During my audition, they wanted to see what I could do. So I did a bit of riding, a bit of talking, a bit of fighting... But, most of all, I showed them this! (winks as he stands and starts doing a little dance)
Q: I’m... not getting the joke?
A: It’s not a joke! It’s my own invention.
Q: You created a dance?
A: Not just any dance! It calls lightning (grins as he gets jiggy with it).
Q: You do realize we are in a brick building...
A: That’s alright, I’m not wearing green anyway.
Q: What?
A: Well, it only truly draws lightning if I have something green on (sees a $1 bill on a table nearby, dances up to it and grabs it). Oh hey! Free money! Cool.
Q: I don’t think...
A: (a loud thundering clap resonates through the room as a lightning bolt crashes through a window and blasts the dancing Knight on the spot)
Q: ... that’s a good idea. Ah well. I guess I should revise my description of Sir Peter. He is now in a much less classy charred black suit and charred black pants. His hair, mustache and beard have... er, well... let’s just say they’re smoking hot. The Ray-Bans have lost their glasses, through which we can now see wide dazzled blue eyes. And oddly enough, his tie and shoes are now... white. The new look is just as unexpected and just as stunning! And with that, we shall bid you farewell for now.
11. Jabberwock
Q: Hello, Mr. Erwock... er... Can I can call you Jabb? Hmm. You’re showing me your fangs... but no growling... and no leaping at my throat... Alrighty, I’ll take that as a yes. So, Jabb, what was it like working with Lewis Carroll?
A: Grmljljfdnkaoiejgqgmjmiq!
Q: ...
A: Kreaigknlkn gnaaaeigdk!
Q: Hmm. Right (scratches head). So, er, how did you get along with the other characters? How was... oh... you’re showing me your fangs again! And sneering, uh... and now you’re standing... and walking toward me... (swallows) You’re not angry, are you? We can talkkkgrlkjmizfaze jfmazejf jfklqsjflie liaze... hhellllppnp QJFqjfmzijfzqljv arrrrrrrrrghh! lljf.....!!!......#$##!.,....?.kqsf,kkkkz,,,,,,,!,,
Will our stalwart hero survive
This snicker-snack, or shall he DIE?
To find out, dare join our next brawl —
Same Maz-Time and same Maz-Channel!Missed the two other batches of Alice interviews? No problem. You can find them here:
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Thank you!
—
Text (c) 2012 by Alex S. Garcia.
Image by Guillaume Delacour, from the 2012 edition of “Alice in Wonderland”, edited by me.
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Poor Bill and the White Knight! I can’t say I remember either of them from the book, though it has been a while since I’ve read Alice in Wonderland. I do remember the mouse though! His interview was quite charming. This series was wonderful.